Finding my direction

"What is your short term plan after graduating?"

"What career path do you want to go for?"

"What is your goal in life?"

Heading into my first week of Bachelor of Arts with Honours in International Fashion Business feeling clueless as ever with these questions bombarded by our lecturer, Anisa during our Personal Planning and Development class. It really made me wonder and question myself, "What do I really want to do after graduating? What was my path? How am I going to get there? Can I really do it?" Since I was little, I was always so sure of myself on the things I wanted, whether it was the dress I wanted to get, or the restaurant I wanted to dine at, or places I wanted to go. I was always sure of what I wanted and would constantly plan and strive until I get it. I knew at age 16 that I wanted to do fashion marketing but fashion marketing is so broad, you can be a lot of things, but what do I want to be specifically? That was the question that kept running through my mind.

Coming to Singapore alone this year was frightening enough, having to start over in a new, unfamiliar environment. It was no walk in the park as I had to restart the whole meeting new friends and getting to know the environment thing again. I guess for me, I have no issues with talking to people or making new friends as I'm a really sociable and approachable person, it's just the thought of being in out of my comfort zone fears me. As if I no longer have the strong walls I built since day one and I'm left with pieces of bricks again. Starting my degree this semester, I just felt like a fish out of water.

I think for me it was hard to decide on a specific path because there was just so much that I would love to do. There was not a single module throughout my 2 years during my advanced diploma that I didn't like. You can say that I'm being unrealistic, but I think I'm just a big dreamer. The main obstruction that I have heading to these dreams is myself. I've always been too much of a perfectionist. I always give it my all when doing the tasks or responsibilities given to me whether I like it or not and tend to always stress myself over it. No matter how hard I tried, the demons in my head always make me question myself, "Really? Did I really do good enough?"

A lot of times we see aspirational living posts on social media from famous influencers to magazine editors living the dream in a "dream job" everyone hopes to have. But what's never shown is the hardships that lies behind that picture perfect photo. To be honest, I'm more worried about my expectations being bashed by reality and my "dream job" wasn't as dreamy as I thought it would be. I'm pretty familiar with that feeling since I once interned for a fashion magazine. I guess I'm just one of those people who loves living in my own dream world, yeah it's naive but I find motivation believing there is hope and a possibility of my dreams coming true. I remember asking my colleague during my internship about how she gets through her job even when she always finishes work late and that the job doesn't pay very well. She said, "It's because I love what I do and everything else doesn't really matter." That sentence reminded me that nothing comes easy but as long as you are doing something you love, you'll get through it.

"So, what is my short term plan after graduating?"

To find myself and my true calling.

Retrieved from: muzictomyears.com

I've always been a planning freak. I would manage my daily schedule to make sure I was being productive everyday till I got the job done, and done well. I've always planned everything so having to not know what I'll be doing after I graduate truly scares me a lot. But writing this made me realize it's okay to not know everything all the time. Sometimes we'll just have to be brave enough to travel the unknown path and learn what we're capable of. Maybe I'll fail several times but sometimes the wrong will help us discover the right. And maybe soon, I'll find my true calling.

"What career path do I want to go for?"

For now, I know what I'm good at doing which is doing any creative and artsy related things. I don't know for sure what kind of job scope that is, but at least I know the direction I wish to head for. After I graduate, I'll just take whatever opportunities that comes my way and hopefully find love in the job I do. But I know for sure that I eventually want to be my own boss and create something or just achieve something. I mean we all only live once, so might as well live the most out of it and leave something great behind.

"What is my goal in life?"

Pretty simple. To live a comfortable, good life whereby I can travel while doing the things I love and to provide an even better life for my parents. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be blessed with what I have. I may not be living the extra glamorous and luxurious life, but I'm warm and happy which is good enough for me. My parents are the reason I have what I have and they're my motivation in life to work hard in everything I do.

Retrieved from: tumblr.com

Writing this really made me feel a lot better as I no longer feel so closed minded and petrified about the idea of not knowing what I want to do. So if any of you reading ever felt lost or discouraged, remember that it's okay not be sure of your future because no one ever is. I remember a good friend once asked me how do I find the motivation to do anything, whether it is to excel in exam or just to be productive everyday. I said, "You just have to find your motivation and goal for what you're doing. When you know why or what you're doing it for, work towards it and all the hard work will be worth it in the end." :)

Stay tuned for more updates on my projects and soul searching journey.

Thanks for reading! ❤️